To be a Woman
Aren’t there things that simply push you to do certain actions without any reason?, Well… this for example is one of those impulses reflected as an imperative need to start my writing.
English is not my first language and I can’t promise that you won’t find mistakes, specially because what will be written in this pages, or webpages will be no more than me with my thoughts, myself and unfortunately with no proof reader.
Somehow, the last three weeks, has awakened my need to write, maybe because in the last three weeks, very intense things has happened to my life. One of those has been a trip to Amsterdam and the encounter with the passion for the writing. Today’s a day I consider Anne Frank as one of the most inspired story of a total notable writer. I got absolutely impacted on how such a nice little girl has marked the history of mankind.
So I have been thinking that just when you know exactly which is your talent, doesn’t really matter how old or how experienced you can be, what really matters is how connected are you with that talent, and Anne Frank has the talent of the expression, the expression in written.
I also have that talent. If there is something that I know perfectly how to do is to express, mostly verbally and very easily by writing. I always have something to say, explain in details, suggest etc, etc, etc. So following that I have to say that I can write probably an entire library. Before this journal that starts today, I possibly have a very thick file of all the reflections, poems and stories that I have written along my life. Maybe the shock with another language stops a little my already started process of writing, but its time to keep going.
Lately intense things have happened to me as I already said. My life is now in the point where not just my body is requesting the biggest creation of life, but my entire soul can’t wait to hold that desired baby. For many reasons I can’t just have that baby by myself, my life style and my current internal conditions required the help of a doctor during this creation process. So I have been going to a fertility doctor who has already processed 3 inseminations . The doctor explained to me at the very beginning that he will put together all the elements that are needed for the miracle to happen, but… the only he could guarantee was 20% successful. That percentage didn’t sounded very high, especially considering that he will be over stimulating the production of eggs, will put very vigorous sperms directly inside the uterus and will timed the most precise moment for the union of the sperm and the egg to occur.
Well the first attempt was very exciting but unsuccessful. Anyways I got to know a lot of how is the process of the creation of a baby, and my body got to experience the presence of a hormone that will stimulate the production of more than one egg and very weird mood changes. I even got the name of Hormonzilla in those days. A little less stress about the whole process but still longing with all my heart to be a mother, the second insemination was attempted unsuccessfully as well.
The Holidays for Christmas came and expecting to party and celebrate, the third insemination didn’t happened until 3 months after the first two. The third attempt was different of the other two. In this one the stimulation dosage for the production of eggs was bigger and the sperm was from another specimen with a higher count. The third attempt was done and two weeks later… I am pregnant. WOW, the miracle happened, and I got the best news of my last 3 years, but it came with a not so good news. The levels are not that high even though are within the range. Many periodic blood test where done to follow up the development of the pregnancy to found out at our third week that the egg was implanted outside the usual lining of the uterus and the continuous growing will cause very bad internal damages. So the doctor decided to stop the pregnancy. I was given an injection to stop the pregnancy to resolve the problem at a very early stage. Continuous blood test where done to monitor the drop of the levels and with it the pregnancy, until one day the levels went up. The doctor decided to check in more details the reason of that jump and found out that the pregnancy started to continue its growth. At this point another injection could solved the situation but was better to act more aggressively and avoid bigger damage. So at 4 weeks pregnant I got a surgery with general anesthesia to remove the ectopic pregnancy. The surgery was successful but with the removal of the ectopic the doctor had to remove as well the left fallopian tube where the embryo was implanted, because the tube ended up very scarred and to leave it there could cause another ectopic.
Three days after the surgery I had a vacation trip planned to Amsterdam which ended up as a great therapeutic moment and a perfect timing for my recovery. Now a week after the trip and without any pain, here I’m going through tons, and tons of uncontrollable thoughts about my life, my talents and my options.
A week after my arrival to NY, I went to the doctor who explained to me the possible cause of the ectopic and my options. He show me pictures of the surgery which impacted me a lot. I have a condition named endometriosis which is a non-cancerous disorder in which the tissue that normally lines the inside cavity of the uterus accumulates outside and is not shedding with each menstruation. The endometrium tissue can go out through the fallopian tubes and that’s basically what happened to me. There was endometriosis in my left tube reason why the fertilized egg couldn’t find its way to the uterus and got stock there. The doctor told me that the right tube looks in good shape from outside so hopefully I will be able to get pregnant with just one tube. He told me that if this tube is not damaged inside, my chances are still the same, because the production of eggs is still going to be stimulated. Also he told me that the eggs that my left ovary produces sometime can be catch by the right tube.
Even though the situation doesn’t look that everything is lost, I left the doctors office with a huge depression. I guess that the anesthesia after effect, the medicine post surgery and the knowledge of my current organic situation ended up in a emotional crash. The doctor told me to take a break before starting again. So as many of my friends have recommend, is it a time to be more in contact with my spirituality, work my body and health and left the miracle to the only one in charge of that 80% left, God.
3 years ago